On August 25th I will find myself in a Brooklyn court house appearing for the crime of public urination. I did so not at a busy cross-section or in front of anything as sacred as a yoga studio, but on a secluded Bushwick side street usually reserved for warehouse workers welding and doing other “man work” (Smelting? Is that a thing?). I’m not quite sure why such an infraction requires a court house setting. It doesn’t seem as though there would be much cause for debate. I was in fact urinating; I was in fact in public. I would think a fine could be paid and then we could all go about our merriest of ways. But the red tape that binds this country of ours leads me towards the gavel and I now have no choice but to follow suit or risk getting chased down by the public-urination-hounds; such a pursuit would surely be the death of me.
Times like this a man is forced to wonder whether or not it’s even necessary to have such laws against public urination. I mean, am I supposed to believe that if street-peeing were legal the country would turn into one giant port-o-let? Would the average citizen forgo the comfort of a stall or urinal and drop trow right in the middle of the main drag, in front of a Pottery Barn or an Ace Hardware? This seems ridiculous. My urination was certainly not some rogue, vigilante expelling; I was inebriated and pushed to a point where I had to choose between breaking Caesar’s law or the social law of not wanting to be walking around in urine soaked trousers. In many European countries citizens are allowed to pee freely. Hell, in France they have urinals on the streets. (There’s a pretty good chance I’ve made up the street-urinals part but it seems like something those crazed French would be into. I feel no need to research further.) The Europeans have already figured out the health care and the avoiding wars for the most part and the not being universally hated; am I supposed to sit here in my underpants (If I were in London I’d just be calling them “pants.” Once again the Brits win.) playing with my to-scale model of the original Starship Enterprise and believe that they aren’t also vastly superior than us with regards to making wet?
It’s impossible to walk down the streets of my neighborhood without seeing a smörgåsbord of dogs being walked by a variety of owners ranging from the very pleasant to the unbearably annoying. If I were to follow these dogs along their route, a habit I once held but have found to be considered “unsettling” by the stuck-up pet owner, I would certainly see corgis and dachshunds and beagles lifting the proverbial leg and expunging liquids onto the city streets. I even live in an area where people care so little about their surroundings that they often don’t even bother to pick up their “best friends’” excrement. (Just to clarify, this is not cool. I do not want this diatribe to in any way be considered a pro-poop argument. Public deuces aren’t allowed across the pond for a reason: it’s gross.) Dogs are animals just like you and I, shouldn’t we be allowed the same rights? I for one don’t want to live in a speciest society where man and dog aren’t treated as equals. If Sparky the dog can pee on the street, so should former Cincinatti Reds and Detroit Tigers manager Sparky Anderson. Of course, Sparky’s no longer with us. We can only hope he’s pissing all over the golden streets of heaven.
In summation I ask you, the common reader, should a man be punished for fulfilling his basest of needs in the most discreet of all public ways? If our genitals must remain sealed in denim, are we really free? I urge you to write your congressman/woman and urge them that if public discharge is good enough for Sir Michael Caine, then it’s good enough for us too.
Ben “The Greatest American” Franklin was perhaps the most influential man in the history of our great nation. Whether it be inventions such as bifocals and lightning bolts, co-authoring the Declaration of Independence or bringing the fathering of illegitimate children into vogue it’s hard to argue the fact that Benjamin Franklin was the greatest man to ever live, even greater than Bob Uecker. You might think you already know all there is to know about the king of the fat baldos. You’re wrong, you arrogant bastard. Here’s a list of little known Ben Franklin facts so obscure that even Mr. Franklin himself was unaware of some of them.
In order to avoid the mental hindrance of heavy, oppressive wardrobes Franklin would often walk through town in the nude to free both his body and mind. He found his mind operated at its highest capacity when walking naked through young women’s boarding houses.
Revolutionized diversity in the industry of racial slurs. Had brief stint as drummer for Jimmy Buffet on the “Cheeseburger in Paradise Tour.” Known for his 13 Virtues, Frankin’s guide to building respectful character, Franklin was equally known by his contemporaries for being a “know-it-all son-of-a-bitch.” Last words were “Wait, you’re telling me I wasn’t a President? Are you sure? It really seems like I was a President.”
Revolutionized diversity in the industry of racial slurs.
Had brief stint as drummer for Jimmy Buffet on the “Cheeseburger in Paradise Tour.”
Known for his 13 Virtues, Frankin’s guide to building respectful character, Franklin was equally known by his contemporaries for being a “know-it-all son-of-a-bitch.”
Last words were “Wait, you’re telling me I wasn’t a President? Are you sure? It really seems like I was a President.”
Famous for publishing Poor Richard’s Almanac, a book of his witticisms. Less famous for publishing Poorer Richards Diary, a book of ways to score continental breakfasts without actually staying at the hotel.
Coined the phrase “Butterface.”
Coined the phrase “Butterface.”
From the Desk of Marshall P. Backwasher
Principal, Grovefield Elementary
As I’m sure many of you are aware the Grove County school system has come under rough financial times. I know many of you have been concerned that these setbacks would result in a sub-par educational experience for your children. I’m writing you now to let you know that is not the case. An antagonistic relationship with Bobby Brown isn’t the only thing I share with Whitney Houston. I too believe that children are our future. That is why I am taking this opportunity to announce some slight changes that will come into effect on September 1, the first day of school, in the hopes of making said future as bright as possible.
Starting September 1st, Grovefield Elementary will be merging with Big Ted’s Tire and Oil to create “Grovefield Elementary Tire and Oil.”
How will this effect my child? That’s a great question! During school hours half of the school’s campus will now be dedicated to auto repair and maintenance. For example, the kindergarten wing will now be referred to as the kindergarten wing/oil change warehouse. Don’t worry parents, your little ones will still learn how to stay within the lines, and now they might even pick up a thing or two about routine auto maintenance. It’s a win-win!
That’s not all we’re doing to raise money! Grovefield Elementary Tire and Oil is also renting out it’s gym/tire depot as a meeting place at night for the well known evil genius “Meldar the Miserable” to hold his evil meetings. Of course this won’t effect students as Meldar has promised to be out of the gym, with his death ray securely stowed away, by the time our little rays of sunshine arrive at 8 AM.
Finally, instead of the standard, boring children’s “lunch” students will now be served caramel-covered Styrofoam. Now that’s what I call delicious and nutritious! Yum!
I’m confident that these changes will guarantee your child and every child at Grovefield Elementary Tire and Oil the best year yet! We’ll see you in the fall!
Marshall P. Backwasher, Principal/Head Mechanic
Dearest friends, and friends that are in fact deer:
Episode 14 of Zach and Zach Save The Community Center is up, and you can listen to it here on our Podbean site or you can grow a pair of balls and just subscribe to it on iTunes. It’s a monthly podcast that only runs about 25 minutes. We broadcast live from the City-Town Community Center (from the girls bathroom, usually) and we talk to fun townspeople. This month’s guest is Donny, the current dog catcher and former state wrestling champ. He’s played by Priest and the Beekeepers Peter Smith.