Ben “The Greatest American” Franklin was perhaps the most influential man in the history of our great nation. Whether it be inventions such as bifocals and lightning bolts, co-authoring the Declaration of Independence or bringing the fathering of illegitimate children into vogue it’s hard to argue the fact that Benjamin Franklin was the greatest man to ever live, even greater than Bob Uecker. You might think you already know all there is to know about the king of the fat baldos. You’re wrong, you arrogant bastard. Here’s a list of little known Ben Franklin facts so obscure that even Mr. Franklin himself was unaware of some of them.
In order to avoid the mental hindrance of heavy, oppressive wardrobes Franklin would often walk through town in the nude to free both his body and mind. He found his mind operated at its highest capacity when walking naked through young women’s boarding houses.
Revolutionized diversity in the industry of racial slurs. Had brief stint as drummer for Jimmy Buffet on the “Cheeseburger in Paradise Tour.” Known for his 13 Virtues, Frankin’s guide to building respectful character, Franklin was equally known by his contemporaries for being a “know-it-all son-of-a-bitch.” Last words were “Wait, you’re telling me I wasn’t a President? Are you sure? It really seems like I was a President.”
Revolutionized diversity in the industry of racial slurs.
Had brief stint as drummer for Jimmy Buffet on the “Cheeseburger in Paradise Tour.”
Known for his 13 Virtues, Frankin’s guide to building respectful character, Franklin was equally known by his contemporaries for being a “know-it-all son-of-a-bitch.”
Last words were “Wait, you’re telling me I wasn’t a President? Are you sure? It really seems like I was a President.”
Famous for publishing Poor Richard’s Almanac, a book of his witticisms. Less famous for publishing Poorer Richards Diary, a book of ways to score continental breakfasts without actually staying at the hotel.
Coined the phrase “Butterface.”
Coined the phrase “Butterface.”
This young man is posing with his Truck Nutz. But notice there’s no wedding ring. Get him while he’s single ladies!
These are sad days for the American justice system. A 65-year-old woman in South Carolina was just fined $445 for sporting a set of Truck Nutz, the popular trailer-hitch testicles.
The best way we can support her is for every last one of us to- buy our own set of Truck Nutz, Bumper Balls or Muffler Marbles. Here’s a quick rundown of the very best Truck Nutz.
1. FLESH GORDON
This is the “white bread” of vehicle pseudo-genitalia. A tried and true classic.
Based off of the hit film, these Truck Nutz were struck by lightning and now have special “ball” powers.
3. THE DRY HUMP
For the truck that never reaches it’s final destination.
4. BALLS OF FURY
These Truck Nutz are for the pick-up with lots of mileage but no insurance for proper check-ups.
5. BIG BROWN COJONES
Las pelotas de camión were released in 2005 to court the growing Hispanic market.
6. THE DONALD TRUMP
If you’re going to put fake testicles on your truck, why not go with THE BEST fake testicles?
7. THE INCREDIBLE HULK
Nothing says you’ve got “freaky junk” quite like this green truck sack.
8. THE OLD WOODSMAN
These Truck Nutz can be whittled down to smaller sizes upon request.
I don’t believe that a GMC Sierra pick-up with low hanging Truck Nutz is obscene. I believe that makes the GMC Sierra liberated. And regulating obscenity in auto-genitalia-accessories is a slippery slope, friends. It’s only a matter of time before every car is forced to wear car bras to cover our Trunk Titz and skirts to cover Clitoral Hood Ornamentz. It’s time to fight back, America!
From the Desk of Marshall P. Backwasher
Principal, Grovefield Elementary
As I’m sure many of you are aware the Grove County school system has come under rough financial times. I know many of you have been concerned that these setbacks would result in a sub-par educational experience for your children. I’m writing you now to let you know that is not the case. An antagonistic relationship with Bobby Brown isn’t the only thing I share with Whitney Houston. I too believe that children are our future. That is why I am taking this opportunity to announce some slight changes that will come into effect on September 1, the first day of school, in the hopes of making said future as bright as possible.
Starting September 1st, Grovefield Elementary will be merging with Big Ted’s Tire and Oil to create “Grovefield Elementary Tire and Oil.”
How will this effect my child? That’s a great question! During school hours half of the school’s campus will now be dedicated to auto repair and maintenance. For example, the kindergarten wing will now be referred to as the kindergarten wing/oil change warehouse. Don’t worry parents, your little ones will still learn how to stay within the lines, and now they might even pick up a thing or two about routine auto maintenance. It’s a win-win!
That’s not all we’re doing to raise money! Grovefield Elementary Tire and Oil is also renting out it’s gym/tire depot as a meeting place at night for the well known evil genius “Meldar the Miserable” to hold his evil meetings. Of course this won’t effect students as Meldar has promised to be out of the gym, with his death ray securely stowed away, by the time our little rays of sunshine arrive at 8 AM.
Finally, instead of the standard, boring children’s “lunch” students will now be served caramel-covered Styrofoam. Now that’s what I call delicious and nutritious! Yum!
I’m confident that these changes will guarantee your child and every child at Grovefield Elementary Tire and Oil the best year yet! We’ll see you in the fall!
Marshall P. Backwasher, Principal/Head Mechanic
Dearest friends, and friends that are in fact deer:
Episode 14 of Zach and Zach Save The Community Center is up, and you can listen to it here on our Podbean site or you can grow a pair of balls and just subscribe to it on iTunes. It’s a monthly podcast that only runs about 25 minutes. We broadcast live from the City-Town Community Center (from the girls bathroom, usually) and we talk to fun townspeople. This month’s guest is Donny, the current dog catcher and former state wrestling champ. He’s played by Priest and the Beekeepers Peter Smith.
It is with open arms and stimulated genitals that Zach and Zach welcome you to this, the much anticipated Zach and Zach Tumblr. (The missing “e” was of course donated to science after his death by the sites founder, Jameson T. Tumbler, in 1897.)
Here all the Zach-Ites, Zach-A-Holics and the far less popular Zach-O-Philes can get all the latest Zach and Zach comedy right at your fingertips, or knuckletips for those of you who lost your fingertips while slicing ham at a Blimpies.
There will be fun word-things, funner video-things and funnest updates on new podcast episodes and live shows. Excited? You better be! So, sit back, relax and never go to another website ever again. We mean it. I see you creeping over to Perez Hilton. DON’T DO IT!